Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Heather and the Horrible, No Good, Terrible, Bad Day!

Okay. My blog used to be funny. At least to me. A long time ago. Now it's filled with whining. And here I go again. Yesterday we had to go to the surgeon's office again. Brandon has to have a new bellybutton. They have to cut the center out of his bellybutton and re-stitch it closed. So that he will heal. The piece of tissue that's in the center of it now is glandular tissue according to the surgeon and isn't likely to heal ever. Lovely. While they are "in there" they are going to look and make sure that his bellybutton isn't linked some how to his bladder. They think that there is a small connection that may be causing urine to leak out of the hole where it hasn't healed. So I'm very worried about him. There's been no infection so far because I've been cleaning it like crazy. So please say prayers. The surgery is scheduled for August 10th.

A friend of mine commented that she hadn't seen an update on my blog in a while. That's part of the reason. Another part is that Alexis is having an incredibly rough time. This morning she was raging like mad. Furiously angry over the fact that the spoon she wanted wasn't clean. Furious over the fact that I expected her to eat Cheerios for breakfast (She likes Cheerios!). Nothing I did was quick enough, good enough or acceptable. She started throwing things and hitting herself and I had to restrain her from hurting herself or others which just breaks my heart. She sits in my lap and struggles like a little wild animal trying to break free. I was told to hold her until she calms down. Which could be 5 minutes or an hour depending on what type of day it is. The whole time she screamed bloody murder and spit all over me. Screaming how she hates me and she can't calm down. She finally stopped and calmed down a bit but has been defiant all day long. My heart just breaks for her. I try not to get angry with her and view it as an "emotional seizure". Something she has no control over. It's really hard to stay calm but I managed today. Tomorrow is a new (hopefully better) day. I just have to take it one day at a time. Or one hour or minute at a time. Whatever it takes.

The part that saddens me a whole lot is that to Jordan this is "normal" behavior in our house. She never knows if Alexis will be happy or angry or screaming and all of this is taken into stride. She thinks that's how sisters are supposed to act and just tunes her out. Brandon gets hysterical. First because I have to put him down to help Alexis, and then during her tantrum he gets scared from her screaming and he starts crying. He doesn't understand why I can't come to pick him up. He's becoming more jumpy when he's around her. When anyone talks loud he jumps. I feel like we live in a war zone. You never know what's going to hit next. We are walking on eggshells around her. Trying not to provoke her. We even have a code word for it. I tell Ronnie when he's saying something that will make her angry "Don't feed the bears." You know how in parks they tell you not to feed the bears because it could provoke them to attack. Same thing here. It's unbelievable.

Journalling prompt of the day:

What important lesson did you learn as a child? Did you carry any over into adulthood?

In the theme of today's blog already. I learned not to rock the boat. Be accepting and flexible and don't argue. Behave yourself and don't question authority. Do what you are told! Of course I learned these lessons because they were forced upon me. Day after day. I had no opinion before I turned 18. Once I got older I decided to rock the boat hard! And I have been pretty much going my own way since (Ask Ronnie, It can get rather dicey around here if I think I'm being bossed around). I think that's why this behavior with Alexis has me so out of sorts with myself. Because I feel like I'm walking on eggshells again. Trying not to rock the boat and keep the peace. I am taking it personally because I feel like I'm being pushed to do the things she wants me to do just so it'll be okay around here. And really even if I do what she wants it doesn't make her happy. Happiness is an inside job. And a job for her medicine which is so not where it needs to be right now. I don't think any of us are happy right now least of all her. I wish there was something I could do to make it better. All I can do at this point is pray. For all of us but especially for my baby girl.



Anonymous said...

Awwww sweety my heart goes out to you. You sure have your hands full but I can also tell how full your heart is for your children.

I use to work in a daycare and have had children at times with some of same challenges. One of the things a child's therapist told us to do when a child was having a emotional out burst like that was to wrap a light weight sheet around them like you would a new born to help them to feel safe and sacure while you held them and it really helps calm them down. It also saves your shins a bit too. I feel so bad for children when they go though this my heart just poors out to them. They can't always help it such as in your sweet daughters case. You may check and see if her doctor would think this would help. I also had a book at one time that was what I call my daycare bible. Sure wish I could had it I would mail it to you. I may email a friend of mine and that still works there that I left it to and see if she could at least give me the name.

Hope your day gets better sweety!!!


Estee said...

Just wanted to send some (((hugs))) your way!!! I will be thinking of you and your family.

Leah & Terry said...

I agree! {{Hugs}} to you!! Hope things get better for you. THinking of you

Adriann said...

Hey Girl, keep your head up. I do keep you and your family in my prayers. I pray for peace and for healing. For both Brandon and Alexis.

William had a hernia repair when he was 7 months. He did fine! I was so scared, but he had a good surgeon and everything went like clock work.

Thank God that Brandon finally got a proper diagnosis and now a solution to resolving the problem.

Keeping you in my prayers. I know it sound impossible, but try to steal away a little time for yourself to decompress. I know what it's like to be in a war zone and You have to be able to walk away for a little bit just for YOU.

May God's blessings flow to you and your family.


Lisa said...

Hey honey,
I do feel for you. I know you feel like screaming with Alexis at times. Heck, when kyra does her out burst i sometimes scream with her and she looks at me and starts laughing. Just know God is with you and will always guide you and have ur back. love ya!

Anonymous said...

Hugs, things will get better. One day or hour at a time. Let's pray the docs find a way to her help. It can't be easy.

I do agree, try to get some time to yourself, a walk, a bubble bath, a trip to the store.


Mindy said...

Even with all the hard times you are going through. I have to say you are keeping amazingly strong. WOW...and you made me giggle a little. My mom always said, and now so do we. "Don't poke the bear" It was her way of telling us not to provoke whoever is in a bad mood.

As for the prompt I would say that I learned to take of my self and others in childhood. My father died when I was 10. My Mom had to work more to provide for us. SO we learned to take care of ourselves pretty well. Now I still have the need to take care of things for my family. I seem to be the one everyone expects to take care of things.